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Wednesday, June 29, 2011


"Idiot. I've always hated you. Now I'll step on your face. With a shoe full of dog shit."
-Goth stripper Maria, once she's learned how to control the undead and decides to get revenge upon her former colleagues for no adequately explained reason.

Based on the manga series KYONYU DRAGON, this flick is another in the ongoing wave of intentionally over-the-top satirical horror/exploitation flicks to make their way to the Japanese screen, and among that lot it's rather a minor entry.


Given an admittedly great/stupid title for its Western release, the film relates the adventures of five down-on-their-luck dancers who toil at a rinky-dink strip joint in a desolate town in the middle of nowhere. There's the recently-returned-from-Mexico sombreroed/western-themed main heroine Lena Jodo (played by adult film star "Aoi Sola," whose nom de porn translates as "Blue Sky"), morose ex-con Ginko, Goth girl Maria, Neneh, an aging dancer who reads tarot cards and is close to retiring to Tokyo to run a noodle shop, and money-hungry Vietnamese chick Darna, who's working to support her impoverished brothers and sisters, and during the film's first half hour we get to know them and see them get continually screwed over by their shady boss.

Our heroines: (L-R) ex-con Ginko, Goth girl Maria (with the unnatural red hair), cowgirl Lena, soon-to-be-retired Neneh, and money-grubbing Darna (kneeling in front).

They're all fun and interesting to varying degrees, but one does not approach a film entitled BIG TITS ZOMBIE in search of a look into the crapsack lives of exploited strippers, so just as the film passes the half hour mark, the girls discover their dressing room houses a concealed door that leads into the basement of the abandoned house across the street, a place where the previous owner mysteriously committed suicide. Upon entering the basement, the girls find the dead man's creepy inner sanctum filled with arcane artifacts and an impressive collection of rare occult books, identified as such by the Goth chick (natch), who grabs an authentic copy of the Book of the Dead and of course reads aloud from it. The results are not immediate but when the spell takes effect, all hell literally breaks loose and in no time the nation is overrun by the undead from many periods of history, all of whom have escaped from the conveniently-located Well of Souls in the basement. From there it's a cavalcade of re-animated and aggressive sushi, the requisite zombie cannibalism, weaponized wasabi paste, an interesting attempted variant on the old tentacle-rape standby, beheadings, disembowelings, two of our heroines taking on a horde of zombies while wielding a samurai sword and a chainsaw and eventually ending up topless as their twins are rendered a deep shade of red as they are showered by geysers of arterial spray, and the unforgettable sight of the geisha-costumed and newly-zombified Neheh's pussy mutating into something resembling a lamprey's maw that spews fire with range and dispersal equivalent to that of a standard military flamethrower (by far the film's highlight).

Lena takes on all comers with her handy McCullough.

Ginko and Lena, mere moments before their twins are reddened by copious arterial spray.

All of this madness is achieved in a short running time of seventy-three minutes, so it never really gets boring (though the first half hour is definitely slow going), but with a title like BIG TITS ZOMBIE, the film contains far less nudity than one would rightly expect, and the two pairs of dairies on display — specifically Lena's and Ginko's — range from about Japanese-standard proportions to around a C-cup, so we're talking appealing, but not "big" like the title promises. (Well, not by U.S. standards, anyway.) And while the gore is plentiful when it comes, it's definitely a comparatively short blast and the movie is over well before the viewer expects it to be, so there's a profound sense of getting ripped off.

I've certainly seen far worse zombie films, but I've also seen far better in both the serious vein and the zom-com variety, so this flick is only recommended for zombie completists, those who are looking for a short diversion with gore 'n' (brief) tits, and desperate adolescent boys. However, the flamethrower pussy has to be seen to be disbelieved.

Monday, June 27, 2011


What can I say? It ain't the years, it's the hard mileage!

So I turned forty-six today and due to it being a Monday (a work day for most of the world), a proper sleazy birthday party is out of the question. Therefore, I post this film clip depicting what is to me the greatest birthday party in movie history. Unfortunately YouTube saw fit to censor the best part — you KNOW what it is — but the spirit still remains. Enjoy!

Sunday, June 26, 2011


And so Sunday morning rolled around and I had to return to NYC, while Amber and Ashley continued to represent in costume in the name of geekery for one more day. I was packed and ready to check out early, so I amused myself by snapping shots of Amber gearing up as Firestar from the old SPIDER-MAN AND HIS AMAZING FRIENDS cartoon show, and also of Ashley in her badassed Black Canary duds.

Beneath her cool superhero boots, Firestar rocks moose sox.

(Please forgive your humble narrator and photographer as he indulges himself.)

Amber as Firestar, with mask and "fiery" contact lenses.

Ashley, cutting a dashing figure as the Black Canary.

A textbook demonstration of the use of props to disguise "the toe."

Outside the hotel and getting ready to head back to the con. As we walked, we passed an old black man sitting on a bench, enjoying the lovely morning and checking out the girls' butts. As we walked by I greeted him with "Good morning, Mr. Roundtree" and the girls had no idea who he was. That's when I told them we had just walked past none other than Shaft himself.

THE END. (For now...)

Saturday, June 25, 2011


The big costume contest was scheduled to start at 6PM, so I made my way to the hall where it was to be held and waited on line for admission. I got there maybe twenty minutes before starting time and intended to make some progress in the new WILD CARDS novel, FORT FREAK — which is very good so far and easily the best book in the series since 2006's DEATH DRAWS FIVE, but I digress — but that plan was immediately scuttled when some of the contestants began to stroll by and line up to take their places in the wings. And when all was said and done, the scheduled-for-two-hours contest managed to stretch to three very full and thoroughly entertaining hours.

(NOTE: double-click on the photos to embiggen.)


Just before the contest: the cosplayers, many of whom were exhausted after a day of walking the floor in full gear, begin to arrive and hang out in the hallway in front of Room B on the convention center's ground level.

I was rather surprised to see only this lone Power Girl over the course of the con. Usually these shows are good for at least three.

Bane represents.

Rockin' it Justice Society-style: (L-R) Stargirl, Cyclone and Liberty Belle. I love it!

The return of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

An elegant Storm strikes a pose.

The "demonic faun."

I particularly loved her nasty-looking teeth.

The Riddler prepares.


Our hilarious host, Jarrett Crippen, winner of the reality TV series WHO WANTS TO BE A SUPERHERO? No lie, this guy was the funniest emcee I've ever seen.

The evening's first costume: Master Shake (which I believe was a store-bought outfit).

The one saving grace of this guy showing up in a store-bought costume was the moment when he took the mic and launched into flawless imitations of the main characters from AQUA TEEN HUNGER FORCE (a show whose popularity totally eludes me).

A quite good Elektra. Very lean and athletic-looking.

Storm bestrides the stage.

A very Brit-centric Lara Croft, who cited her qualification for playing the character as having "boobs out to here." And she was tall, too!

Tank Girl takes the stage. Remember the days when this character was an ubiquitous presence at cons? (Wow, I'm seriously dating myself...)

ARMY OF DARKNESS' Ash gets a distaff interpretation.

The Green Arrow steps up...

..and takes a considerable amount of chiding for not showing up with a bow (which he said he forgot).

Power Girl takes the stage.

I forget her exact character, but I believe she was along the lines of a "dark Alice."

One of the many times audience when responses were prompted.

An exceptional Joker takes the stage. I shot this one this way so you can get a good look at his cane.

The Joker brought presents!

The Joker presents the panel with a surprise package that ticked very loudly. No. really.

A Red Lantern and everyone's favorite rage-fueled kitty, Dex-Starr.


Catwoman unfurls her whip...

...and gives it a crack.

Mr. Stay-Puft waddles his way up to the stage.

Jesus! Those eyes!

The judges inspect the costume. The head contained a fan (which did not work)...

...and the suit was also equipped with a hydration system for the wearer. I cannot imagine how hot that suit must have been to be stuck in four hours on end.

The demonic faun takes the stage. Sure her basically naked boobs were distracting, but I love how the juxtaposition of pretty fairytale-like creature and nasty-looking monster worked to create a very disturbing aspect for the character.

I'm unsure as to the significance of the letters on her back.

An outstanding Cobra Commander, who showed up with his very young sons (who were in the audience) decked out as Cobra-style cub scouts.

Cobra Commander used the moment to announce his bid for the 2012 presidency.

A seriously-vinyl Harley Quinn.

Bane rocks the mic. (Note Harley Quinn's lipstick print on the emcee's face.)

A distaff Darth Vader.

The explanation-defying, ultra-disturbing horror of "Kitty Kitty."

He kept bellowing his name and made not a goddamned lick of sense. I thought he was fucking brilliant.

A truly spectacular moment of "what the fuck?"-ness.

The Terminator takes out our host.

These LARPers did an excellent skit.

The Spider-Man villains represent as the Sinister Six (recruiting).

The black-suit Spidey's outfit left little to the imagination, so of course he had to stuff his package right into the judge's face.

Gotham represents, with my favorite Harley Quinn and that very toothsome Poison Ivy. (Catwoman's no slouch either.)

Not a damn thing wrong with this.

The excellent Wonder Woman/Batman scenarion that is dying to happen in the comics.

A blast from the cartoon past: the return of Marvin and Wendy.

Spaceballs, black variant. Still combing the desert and still not finding shit.

Spaceballs, white variant.

"Hail, Skroob!"

This kid was one of the aforementioned Cobra scouts, and his off-the-cuff "kid logic" comments were hilarious. And, yes, the woman doing the exasperated double-face-palm was his mother.

The impressive zombie Hulk.

X-13 strikes a pose.

A Jedi knight lets loose with an impressive double-lightsaber routine.

THE FIFTH ELEMENT's Leeloo and her stolen multi-pass.

Apparently a booth model who showed up as Storm and attempted to correct the host by telling him "No, I'm Storm, not Ororo." Needless to say, that gaffe was not well-received by the audience.

General Grievous.

This storm gets points for making the famous tiara.

The excellent Wolverine guy represents in the yellow and black outfit.

Deadpool showed up to shoot Wolvie in the head, only to have Hawkeye arrive and plant an arrow in Deadpool's face.

The freshly-healed Wolverine stands triumphant.

Deadpool lay there clutching the arrow for a fairly long time, until ordered offstage.

ARMY OF DARKNESS' Ash returns, only this time with male genitalia.

The Golden Age Red Tornado takes the stage...

...and reveals herself as...

...Ma Hunkel.

My favorite of the con's many Hulks.

The admittedly diminutive Hulk quickly regretted his threat to "smash puny humans."

As things began to briefly lag, from out of nowhere sprang SOUTH PARK's Terrence and Phillip, who hilariously stormed the stage, ran around the judges and host and executed some of their signature fart humor before just as abruptly running away.

The cutest Booster Gold in the history of western civilization.

I love that she went the extra distance and accessorized with that homemade bag.


A terrific pre-evil Phoenix.

Note to future cosplayers: if you're going to rock this character, the sash is a must.

Mera and Aquaman.

Power-Man and Iron Fist do an impromptu ad for the Heroes for Hire agency.

Terrence and Phillip return, this time as legitimate contestants.

The outstanding Kang the Conqueror.

"Team Awesome," consisting of a geisha and some sort of distaff manifestation of GG Allin. Seriously, you can't make this stuff up.

"Statutory Ape." Yes, you read that right.

As the proceedings broke for the judges to determine the winners, I spotted this guy in a marvelously bizarre t-shirt depicting Admiral Ackbar as a Ghostbuster. "It's a trap!" Get it?

The winners circle: the Joker (Best Male Villain), Boster Gold (Honorable Mention; she got robbed, if you ask me), Female Ash (Honorable Mention).

Next up, Power Girl (Best Female Hero) and Demonic Faun (Best Female Villain).

Best Team was taken by these two fantasy characters whose names elude me at the moment.

Unsurprisingly, the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man took Best in Show.

And the male Ash took Best Male Hero.

All of the cosplayers take the stage.

Yay, Dex-Starr!!!

Me, with our emcee.

Mr. Stay-Puft, triumphant.

General Grievous sets off for the bar.